If you spend any time in Cape May (ten…maybe fifteen minutes), you are likely to encounter a birdwatcher (aka “birder”).
Don’t panic. Despite their well earned reputation for odd behavior, birders tend to be fairly docile and are commonly not dangerous unless provoked. Knowing this, and learning how to behave when confronted by a birder, will make you more secure and greatly increase your chances of avoiding an embarrassing confrontation.
First, don’t appear startled. If a birder senses that you find their interest the least bit odd, they will almost certainly respond with intense indifference. Remember. You have elected to place yourself in a habitat where birders are as common as Second Amendment Proponents at the NRA Convention. It is up to you to be prepared.
Second, appear friendly, even interested. Birders respond to questions from curious non-birders the way sidewalk prophets embrace sinners. The proper way to express your interest is to say: “Seeing anything good?” or “What have you got out there?”
Do not try to be funny or clever. Do not, for example, go up to a birder scanning offshore, through binoculars, and ask: “See any Ivory-billed Woodpeckers out there?”
You, of course, are just trying to show your interest and express your knowledge of current events in the birding world. But the response by the birder will be: “What kind of an idiot would think that a forest woodpecker would be dog paddling around in an ocean.”
They might not say this. But they will certainly think it.
Even things said in honest innocence might trigger a dismissive response by a birder. Things like: “Are you looking at ships?” or “How far can you see with those things?”
Watch for these danger signs. Eyes rolled skyward. Eyes closed and head turned slowly side to side. Face turned slowly your way wearing an expression that suggests your nose is up-side-down.
This is a very dangerous situation. Often a birder will at this point, hand you their binoculars and invite you “to see for yourself.” Their objective is to help you dig your own grave deeper and faster by demonstrating your inaptitude with binoculars. But you can neutralize the situation by turning the tables.
Grasp the binoculars with one hand (using two demonstrates that you are afraid to drop $1,500 worth of glass).
Do not put the strap around your neck (this denotes possession and even a Gandhi among birders will fight to the death to retrieve a $1,500 binocular).
Bring the binoculars to your eyes and adjust the focus wheel (should be precisely where your index finger falls on a $1,500 binocular) until you get a clear image.
Pan the binocular across the horizon, stopping at one, maybe two places en route (as if you were studying something).
Draw the binoculars away from your eyes. Give them an appraising look. Hand them back to the birder and say: “Nice.”
Birders are intensely vain about their binoculars. Your recognition of their quality will not only fan their vanity but assuage their anxiety about buying such an expensive toy in the first place (since there are $300 binoculars out there that will do pretty much the same thing).
Their vanity fanned, their anxiety diminished, you will find that birders become very docile, even cordial and friendly.
Don’t be fooled. This is still a wild birder, deserving of your respect. If you wittingly or unwittingly place yourself between a birder and a species of bird they have never seen before, your chances of become collateral damage are high.
So don’t become a statistic. And if you are thinking of becoming a wild birder yourself, don’t buy the $1,500 binoculars before trying out the $300 ones. You’ll probably be surprised and you’ll certainly be less defensive and anxious about explaining your purchase to your spouse.